When Dee, a college-educated, single parent met Kurt, she owned a home, was running a successful business and had nearly finished raising her teen-aged daughter, Janet.  Everything about Kurt seemed perfect.  There was no doubt she had found the man of her dreams at last. The tall, handsome, dignified Air Force Major swept her off her feet into a whirlwind of romance and even deeper into the realm of deceit. 

      It took her more than two years to discover the truth.  Her husband was not in the Air Force, had no plans to settle down and, moreover, had a long and consistent criminal record.  “Mr. Right,” as it turned out, was a classic “Person on The Take.”  

     Below the victim of this sweetheart scam gives other potential victims advice on how to avoid con artists like her ex-husband, whom she aptly describes as a Person On The Take.

       Are you a potential Host for a Person on The Take? What is a Person on The Take and how do they operate? The person on the take operates with ethics and social values different from those prescribed by society. While the POTT understands, even imitates your morals, ethics and social boundaries, you may never understand his. In fact, the Person on The Take banks on you not understanding him at all.

      Chameleon-like, The POTT assumes the form of family member, spouse, lover, business partner, employee or boss - they can be male, female, young or old, highly-educated, intelligent or not. Ranging from freeloader to con artist, the “Person on the Take” has a keen eye for a competent, vulnerable host. Using common strategies to incrementally and progressively take without giving, they are on the move towards capturing their final plunder.      

Romance, Respect or Red Flag:  In a romantic involvement, gifts of flowers, exotic vacations and jewelry do not necessarily raise red flags.  Likewise, in business, respectful compliments and extravagant business meetings don’t necessarily signify danger.  However, powerful social symbols in the hands of a POTT can be used to disarm even the most suspicious host from healthy apprehension.

The adept POTT will stage events in order to diffuse suspicion as well as to reinforce credibility. These events are often memorable, extraordinary, and grandiose, intended to be distracting and disarming.

During her marriage with Kurt, Dee discovered small inconsistencies in his claim that he was a distinguished military officer.  Just as her suspicions were mounting, Kurt staged a "promotion" from Captain to Major.  He treated Dee and several of her best friends to a lavish dinner celebration and proudly wore his new uniform.  In the jubilation, Dee’s trifling questions of his identity seemed preposterous as others present automatically accepted him at face value.  After all, who would even think of creating such an elaborate substantiation? 

Dee later found out that a POTT would. 

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Tiny Promises - This is a Test:  Tiny promises are vaguely made: “I’ll take care of it,” he says, with no details of how or when.  Tiny promises broken may become a test to see how many inconsistencies you will overlook.  If you are forgiving, he will likely take his deceit to the next level.

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Knight in Shining Armor:  So what if the POTT doesn’t keep his word?  They’ve rescued you from a myriad of “impossible situations.”  The POTT arrives as a Knight in Shining Armor or an angel to save you. You probably could have handled the situation, but POTT stages himself as savior from your long, lonely trials.  They encourage you to rely on them, when in reality it is the POTT who needs you.
  
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Communications:  A Person on The Take uses broad-brush strokes in their communications. Details are minimized, as the POTT has no intention of being held liable for anything they say. With their charismatic foot in the door, the lack of details distract the host–to-be from “fibs,” lies and fabrications.  Things are habitually stated ambiguously, producing several interpretations, which the host may be more than willing to fill in.  Later, they apologetically state that you misunderstood them.  Sorry. “Misunderstandings” and communications without accountability conveniently serve as immunity against any questioning of the POTT's trust, character and integrity - particularly since the POTT has successfully deceived the host into viewing herself as his ally.  Ambiguous communications are designed to build up false expectations in their host.  Later, they won’t take responsibility for creating those “expectations, hopes and promises.”

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Hurried Communications:  When communicating, The POTT is hurried. Take note of how frequently communications are sabotaged because the Person on the Take is too busy, too important, or too far away.  Beware of broken sentences, hurried communications and other broad-stroke techniques. Your positive mind willingly fills in the gaps, pauses, and incomplete sentences with “dream element” details.  Later, when you express disappointment in “broken promises” they deny having made any. 

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Actions Speak Louder than Words:  A Person on The Take is adept with word pictures, positive thinking and persuasiveness. Look for actions that follow the words. Are actions coming directly from them?  The Person on The Take will manipulate others, including you, into taking actions that appear to be coming from them. Their Positive Thinking is seductive and reassuring.  However, there is a fine line between Positive Thinking and Positively Denying the Truth. Listen to their actions, and watch their words.

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The Bait:  The Person on The Take dangles, strings, entices and seduces using carefully designed “dream elements” to lure you. Promises continuously implied, but not kept, are planted and nurtured for effect and image. Dream elements consist of normal to high expectations and, with applied commitment, time and work, are achievable. Look for the bait—it is the promise the Person on the Take dangles, constantly forming potential scenarios, which never pan out.  While initially the POTT will create the illusion of fulfilling his promises, later he won’t even bother. Instead, he will calm your cognitive dissonance with false reassurances that you are by now craving to hear.

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The Trust Game:  To trust someone implies taking risks.  To be trustworthy implies that you will reduce risks to those who trust you even if is costly to you.  The Person on The Take works on upping the ante in the game of trust.  They will feign excessive trust in the host in a calculated ploy to make the host feel guilty for not reciprocating the trust equally.

For example, Darla was in partnership with Dave who sent contracts for her to overnight to a celebrity.  Dave implied without actually saying it that he would send money for the package.  A week later, even though the money hadn’t arrived from Dave, he was angry that the package hadn’t been sent.  Darla now felt pressured to invest her own money because Dave was implying that she couldn't be trusted to follow through on a job.  If she doesn’t pay for the package, she will be blamed for dropping the ball and her trust-worthiness becomes questionable.  Darla chooses either to cover the expense or become poised to find another way to regain trust, while the POTT cleverly distracts her from the fact that he isn’t trustworthy himself.  

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The Hook:  With the host “falling behind in the trust game,” the Person on The Take can easily maneuver his financee’ host to buy the engagement ring, pay for a honeymoon or cover an expense the POTT is expected to pay.  Try to collect on these debts later. You have been groomed to suspend judgment, coached that to bring up the payment issue would be in poor taste. If you bring it up anyway, you are chastised as ungracious, low-class and selfish. You are made to realize that the “assumption” the POTT would pay back or “take care of it” was so vague, how could you ever collect on it anyway? But it’s such a small price to pay for “the promise,” why be so selfish? Right?  The POTT is right.  I am being selfish and petty, you graciously submit.  And this beautiful promise—it’s just around the corner, tomorrow, next week, next month--everything you have been working for, praying for, dreaming about! Just one more effort…one more forgiveness…one more investment. You don’t want to blow your chance at happiness and success, do you? Where is your faith? You decide to accept the blame for being selfish in exchange for “the promise.” You are hooked!

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“It’s My Way or the Highway”:  Hooked, you are now trading your self-esteem for “a promise,” financial assets for love and genuine trust for imitation trust. Things are uncomfortable, indefinable--you can’t put your finger on it, but something isn’t right. You have proved your trust (by sharing financial assets), but the balance of trust seems off.  Invested more than ever, you try to rally an environment of trust.  We have a heart-to-heart talk with our Person on The Take, but they don’t validate us - they criticize our feelings. In order to keep the relationship, we open up more, prove our trust more and make more adjustments.  It is nice of them to discuss this, but because our feelings “are wrong,” negotiation with the Person on The Take results in lost ground.  The relationship is on their terms, not yours. Everything must be their way.  Their concept of compromise means you do the “compromising.” Review the adjustments you have made to alleviate the nagging mistrust and you will see that all adjustments are being made by you, not the Person on The Take.

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Poor Decisions:  Are you hosting a POTT?  Stop, Look, and Listen.  A Person on The Take has made poor decisions in life. You feel for them, because you have also been victim of your own poor choices, as we all have.  However, they continue to make poor choices and get away with it, because they are attached to a host who understands, forgives and bails them out!  They have carefully hidden their poor decisions in order to prevent you from judging them to be of poor character and therefore undeserving of your time or love!

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The Jig is Up:  Eventually you will catch the POTT in a provable lie. Take this opportunity to contact a business partner, an attorney and a friend to go on a fact-finding mission. The POTT has plausible and understandable cover stories for lies and broken promises, which are no longer the occasional occurrence, but the rule. Watch out. They will attack to divert, make you question your sanity. Spy on them; collect information to prove fraud in a court of law. Confront them and they will try to re-enlist you by reassuring you of  “the false reality,” they have created or escape with the evidence to leave you “holding the bag.” Who knows what is in that bag? You don’t want to be arrested and convicted for what’s in that bag! Gather evidence, proof and facts. Take action to protect yourself, your children and your assets. 

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The Get-A-Way: The POTT has been preparing friends, neighbors and family for a final moment of confrontation all along. When dealing with a Person on the Take at this stage, I suggest you do not confront, question or ask for reassurance.  If you confront them, they will activate the get-a-way plan to include blaming you, triggering your need for more reassurance from them, which they will now withhold. Once they have devastated your self-esteem and destroyed your reality, they make their get-a-way, plundering your resources and discrediting you on their way out—all while you are devastated and questioning why you don’t trust this person whom you love.

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It's Not Your Fault:  It's survival time.  Know you are not the criminal, but the victim! The victim doesn’t create the criminal-- the criminal creates the victim!  You can’t afford the luxury of wallowing in the mistaken idea that this whole thing is your fault. You have been overcome by a POTT, who has been symbiotically attached to your mind, body and soul! Your only crime was hope, love and desire for good. The POTT seeks talented, accomplished, understanding, kind and loving people, not selfish, angry, bitter people. Remember it’s not your fault.  Don’t be embarrassed to talk to friends and family as bringing light to the situation will help. Part of the ongoing hook is that the embarrassment keeps you invested in the relationship by not wanting to admit you were deceived.

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Extracting the Parasite:  Keeping false hope, trust, and “the promise” alive is the parasite’s survival strategy to stay connected to you.  The truth is the Parasite needs the host; it’s not the Host who needs the Parasite. The POTT has worked hard to convince you they are Host and you are the Parasite, but this is the biggest lie that the POTT perpetuates in order to steal from you. They refuse to pay full price and that’s why they are parasites. Remember, the criminal creates the victim--the victim doesn’t create the criminal.  Take legal action, get him out of your house and file a restraining order, if he hasn’t left the scene of the crime. Extract the Parasite.

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The Host: The host is an intelligent, accomplished, ethical, compassionate person who is goal-oriented with a passion for life--a giant among people. Your trusting, good-hearted nature makes you the target of a Person on the Take—a worthy opponent who can bring you down to sheer nothingness.  Now that you know, start insisting people meet you halfway.  Stop doing all the work and all the loving. A Person on The Take will quickly slink away from those “adverse conditions."   

  Copyright 2003 by Deborah Nelson

  Romance Fraud, What to Do Before, During and in the Aftermath